Insecure moment

Dear Husband,

Because our talks are becoming dramatically shorter, I'm becoming bi polar.
On the one side, happiness because your finally sleeping, on the psycho side, I'm wondering jealously, is he really sleeping?

Its an insecure moment, and I'm sure it will pass, but rather than bug you  I thought I'd blog. :)

I promise I won't spam your fbi wall.

In other news, the dog talks in his sleep. Lol. That is al....

I love you,your wifey

Sleeping in your bed

Insomnia is starting to suck. I'm hoping your okay. I know your "real" doctor visit was today, and I'm actually very worried about you. I know there's nothing you can tell me, or rather there won't be an opportunity to tell me for awhile, but I am concerned. I just want you healthy and happy always.

Anyways, left hands itching, is that visitor or money? Hmmmm.

I love you, your wifey  

414

At least I'm in our bed.. I need to sleep, boo.

Wide awake

Its 0453, and I'm wide awake I stressing on how your going to tract to my latest email.

The last time I was any where near critical/ made a suggestion, you didn't talk to me for a week...

I just feel I'm setting myself up for the silent treatment because I see your boredom from a different angle. The kind of angle that would be cause for more judgement and disciplinary punishment.

Please remember you love me because I see things differently than you. Please.

I'm so scared your going to shut down. Please don't. Please. I'm begging you.

I just love you so much.

I see this going so wrong, so fast.

God I'm scared, especially about you, getting in trouble.

  I do love you, I hope you know that. The worst part is I can't talk to anyone about this. That's how I know its an issue. Please forgive me. Without you, I'm alone.
I'm up, waiting on you, hopefully you'll write.

Love You, Your scared wife 

A bad day isn't so bad with you

So admittedly, today sucked. Apparently the toshiba black screen is common enough to have multiple post, so maybe it was its time. I'm going to set up desktop...is it wireless capable, or do I need to set up dsl lines. It will determine location. Thank you. Exhausted. Passing out now. ;)
Love you. 

Things I'd like to do while in Alaska...

So, as I lay in insomnia...I watch a DVD I unearthed...Project Runway...I'm sure you're thrilled I'm watching  it alone. One of the challenges (making ice skating outfits) made me think, I've never ice skated...and I should...

So I thought I should make a list of all the things I'd like to do while we are here....so, without further ado

My LIST OF THINGS TO DO WHILE IN ALASKA
(In no particular order, and of course with YOU!!!)

1. Ice skate
2. Go sledding (with you!!!)
3. Mush (like lead a team?)
4. Learn how to shoot my bow and arrow
5. Talk to Elders here
6. Pet/Feed the reindeers
7. Ride "the polar bear" ? (apparently its a ride or something off of peridot?)
8. Go to the hot springs.
9. Paint something mushy on those Rocks we always pass that are spray painted.
10. Try Anchorage again, without being BLEH--maybe see Bekah in Nome
11. Get on a HOP to HAWAII. Even if we only stay a weekend!
12. Go ice Fishing (for a moment, until I freeze, or catch a fish.
13. Fish in our backyard.
14. Ride a sled machine
15. Attempt snow boarding? Maybe?
16. Go to a Roller Derby
17. Go to the Rubber Ducky Race thing
18. Have a kid
19. Buy our kid "Made in Alaska" Hoodie (blue) --its an amanda V. thing.
20. Make every moment we're here count...okay...this is the only one that is a number one priority.


 I hope you're sleeping. I took benadryl, so hopefully its all bueno soon. >.<

I Love YOU! You are my EVERYTHING. Be safe!!!

LOVE YOU!!!!! Your WIFEY

$50? you like? Picking up at 2pm otherwise?

He did Not learn.

I am so mad right now.

I beat the Dog...

So, last night around 1 am, I discovered the dog went into my coat and pulled out the "donated items" I had picked up from Billie for the Silent auction later this month...3 bracelets, and 3 ribbons done in paracord. Not having caught him in the act, I decided to let it go. Upset, but damage being done, I just fretted as to what I was going to do about it....

 Well, this morning I discovered How the dog had done it...My jacket has a HOLE in it. A Hole is in the side of my jacket...SO...I was mad, but I put him outside, as again, there was nothing I could do about it...

After letting him back in for a bit, I decided it was sunny, albeit 7 degrees, and now would be a good time to shovel...I threw some of the already mangled items like "duct tape, that he stole." and the tug toy he ripped off the fence for him to chase off the balcony...

 Apparently I was not paying him enough attention, or these toys are inappropriate,  because as I am shoveling, I turn around to see him running out the door with my Brand new Throw pillow I had gotten from the attic. This was the last straw...and having him in the act, I decided to make use of it...

I yelled at him to drop it, he thought it was a game, I cornered him, and hit him repeatedly with my glove (this way its loud and scary, but not physical)...He bolted and ran into the house,....Where I chased him with the pillow, and cornered him yet again. I held the pillow up to him, and repeatedly hit him with my glove and yelled NO. It worked...he was terrified...

I almost feel like I over did it...but his destruction has has no limits...He thinks if he can reach it, he can have it...and he's been pushing the limits by jumping on chairs, tables, and even your TV stand...So he needed to be put in check.

 I waited 5 minutes. and I went back to him. Although he was scared, he rolled on his back...I rubbed his belly, and sat with him and hugged him, I told him in human that he needed to start behaving and that this nonsense of him taking whatever was going to end....I figured it couldn't hurt. We went back to the room where the pillow was, and I put it back. He just "sat" at the doorway. I think he got it... Now I moved him into the living room, and I think both of us being physically and emotionally tired are going to take a nap.

 I hate making our Dog scared, but I know it needed to be done and sooner rather than later, as I can't have this go on while you're away. Hopefully you agree. --Its not the "Dog Whisperer" way, but I think with a situation in which "walking the dog" to attain dominance becomes impractical, I needed to assert my Alpha-role SOME way...Fortunately this incident took place both inside and out of the house; so, maybe the lesson is learned, I Rule, all the time in any place. We will see how long it sticks. (sigh)

 I love you. Just thought I'd give you a play by play of our afternoon. Be safe, you are our everything.

 Love YOU, Your Wifey

Guard Dog on Duty

So, I'm drifting to sleep...and out of nowhere Crazy sounds start coming from outside the bedroom...I'm not sure if they are upstairs or what, but I grab the .40, clear it from its holster, and the dog has already woken up and is scoping with me...I turn on one light, two lights, the hall light, its coming from the closet... The salt was being used in the water softner... But the dog was ready! LOL.

The bad purchase, I guess

I need you...I love you

Dear Husband, I can't tell you how much I need you...as in I need you to be happy, and well. I pray so much for you to be safe...I can't tell you how much I love you, and how lost I'd be without you. I don't need anything but you! Please take care of yourself. Sleep and don't worry about me. I will do better, and make this house a home. You just need to take care of yourself. Heal, and rest, and tell me whatever I can do to make life better for you. I Love YOU! Your Wifey!

Outside the Wire...Not Giving Up

Watch "Jason Mraz - I Won't Give Up [ On Screen Lyrics ] HD" on YouTube

Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are.

Even on our weakest days...

I know today wasn't our best day, and I'm sorry.

I know that you said it was "nothing I did," but perhaps, I didn't do anything to make the situation better either...I know I need to BE YOUR SUPPORT. Your safety net. Not a mirror. So I'm sorry. I know you just need time.  But I just feel like I failed you today.

I try not to cry, and force myself to smile--a lot...I keep this song in my head lately. The lyrics, at the very beginning of the song, describe my every morning....
"Woke up late today and I still feel the sting of the pain
But I brushed my teeth anyway
I got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face
I got a little bit stronger" 

..Not so much with the rest of the song,,,that you left me because you wanted to, but because I know you had to. I know you would be here for me if you could. I only hope you know that I would be on a plane in less than a heartbeat if it got me closer to you. I really would.

Anyways, I try to stay strong, but thats unfair for me to tell you to do it. Know if you can't, know that I am here to listen, or not say anything. We could just look at each other? Have dinner over skype, one night maybe?  I'd do anything to make you feel better. To make you excited about deployment again. I know this is not what you expected. But "it is what it is"--I know.

Anyways, know I love you. YOU are my everything. and there could never be another....I'm so sorry I'm still new at this, but every day I learn. I'll try to do better.

I love you, YOUR Wifey

Damn you snow...

Today, Alaska's White Beast reared its ugly head...As I was ever determined to clear the 3' x3' space covered in ICE that has been blocking me in from using my back door --visualizing all my frustration at deployment, and harnessing all my independent female prowess, and hacking away inch by inch--I accomplished 3/4's of my goal. After an hour an a half, the door now opens 3/4 of the way. Exhausted and frustrated, but still very proud, I idly pulled at some ice near the deck railing...it cut me. A damn icicle cut me! My finger to be exact...Not deep mind you, but enough to require some Neosporin and a band-aid. (Sigh.) Today I call it a tie, ALASKA SNOW..One day, I will beat you. One day.

Dear friend who's call I didn't answer,

Its 1: 42 and I'm barely going to bed. Rough night of just missing my husband. I want so much to make things easier on him, but I know its just part of it. Putting on a brave face and smiling is just the hardest...le sigh. just another night as just another deployed soldier's wife.